Stupid isn’t a disease but it sometimes feels like it
I’m not asking for anyone to take sides on this. This is just me expressing how I felt on my end, and what I had to go through during this tough break up. I’m not asking for a pity party I’m not even asking for anyone to read this, this is for me reflect and think.
I haven’t talked to many people about this, only close companions and my therapists. I don’t usually share what happens in my personal life. Some people find other ways of coping by sharing their personal stories with a lot of people. Some people only like talking to a few close friends with their problems. I’m one of those people who do not tell many people my problems, my ex is the opposite. It’s been almost a year from the break up, I finally feel I can share how I felt about the break up.
I was in a 6/ 7 year relationship (different anniversary dates). I had been with my girlfriend (at that time) since I was 16. We finally broke up recently, at first it was peaceful then it turned ugly real fast.
I haven’t been able to confront this feeling until this year, during the break up I had some difficult classes and worked. I never really dealt with how I felt at the time. Things were said that I had to find out from other people. Apparently there were things written on me in a zine, go figure. People that I didn’t know or even talk to knew about things that happened during the break up. I even avoided party’s for awhile to avoid my ex and for the safety for my boyfriend. So I did what I did best, I drowned out everything around me and focused on my work.
So many people wondered how I moved on so fast from the relationship (people that I don’t talk to) I was in. Of course I looked like a terrible person, at one point it really did get to me. I wondered if I deserved to be happy at all. I won’t lie, it looked really bad when me and my boyfriend finally start to make things official, especially since the break up with my ex was in the same year. I didn’t want to face the fact that I was unhappy with this relationship for a really long time and I stayed in this relationship mostly because of guilt; This relationship was already over years before we actually broke up. I’ve done some terrible things, in a way I tried to make up for it. My friends saw how unhappy and stressed I was, but I was the only one who did not acknowledge this. I knew the break up was going to be ugly and how many people I would stop talking to.
In front of people the relationship never seemed like there was a problem, especially with people we have met in college. Honestly there were many problems, more than I can count. There’s only a few people who ever witnessed how ugly things could get between me and my girlfriend at the time. We had broke up so many times and got back together, this even happened a lot in the beginning. We were physically and emotionally violent towards each other. It was very unhealthy relationship. When I think about about it, it always felt that the relationship was built on sand.
I felt that relationship between us never felt balance. I always felt I was doing more than I should, when I needed help I felt like I never received it. I’m not even sure how we stayed together for so long, We were on opposite end of the spectrum. I hate to admit it, but I never really felt good about myself being with her. It became more apparent on how different we were when we moved in together.
We had dramatically different work ethics, social ethics, just different period. I was never able to get time to myself. I know I’ve done terrible things, and I’m aware of of it and accept that it happened. Fact is that I wasn’t the only one causing problems, I’m not sure if she ever acknowledge the things she has done on her part…
There are specifics event I would like to talk about, but in respect for the both of it I won’t bring it up. From time to time I get angry or sad about it. That’s normal, I know it’ll just take time to get over it. It seemed like it was easy for me to get over the break up, it really wasn’t I just had a different way of coping with things.
I ran into a friend at school I haven’t seen awhile and we met up to eat. We first were just talking random fun stuff, zombies taking over the world, art, music, etc. I finally brought up the break up with her, asking if she heard about it. She knew about the break up, and she responded “you two are different people and things happen”. I almost bursted into tears, this is the first time someone finally acknowledge that. That I didn’t have to tell her my side of the story to convince her of anything.
My therapists came me the best advice, “you deserve to be happy, you’re not the same person you use to be” I take this to heart, I’m use to beating myself up. This year has been the quietest year from the last 6/7 years. I haven’t been this happy in a very very long time.
- its like a tim burton thing
- very anime!
- reminds me of scott pilgrim